Unwanted advice harms your relationship

You may have vowed to support your friend or partner come what may, but studies show that too much of it could drive them away

Last month for three weeks a 25-year-old chartered accountant would wait for her boyfriend to pick her up and drop her to her Dadar office. The brakes in her car needed tuning — a couple of hours of work at a garage — but the 29-year-old filmmaker felt the safer option would be for him to drive her to and fro every day. It was only when the exasperated girlfriend told him that the more sensible thing to do would be to follow her car to the garage (in case the brakes stalled) that he stopped chauffeuring her.
While some may perceive the filmmaker's actions as those of a loving boyfriend, psychologists say he was being over supportive, and his actions could have been detrimental to the relationship.
For a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, 103 newly married couples were followed for five years to examine the effect of support in relationships. Conducted by researchers at University of Iowa, Professor Erika Lawrence and Rebecca L Brock, the 2009 study found that too much support (over support) could corrode a marriage faster than lack of support.
The study categorised support into four types: physical comfort and emotional support (listening and empathising, giving your spouse a hug); esteem support (expressing confidence in your partner, providing encouragement); informational support (giving advice, gathering information); and tangible support (taking on responsibilities so your spouse can deal with a problem, helping to brainstorm solutions to a problem).
In another study conducted by Lawrence and Brock among others, it was also found that too much informational support — usually in the form of unwanted advice — was found to be the most detrimental to a relationship. Esteem support was found to be the most beneficial to a couple.
A 24-year-old media professional recently booked a holiday for her 'best' friend, whose birthday is coming up next month. The week-long vacation in the mountains is just what her friend would want, she feels. However, her mutual friends, who have been warned against giving away the surprise, fear this 'surprise' follows a line of other, similar actions that while gratifying, also seem 'unnecessary'.
So what makes some people overproviders? According to Brock, a post-doctoral scholar at the University, "We might expect 'over-providers' to make assumptions about the needs of their partners and be less willing to ask about what would be most helpful. It might also be the case that people prone to over-providing support find it difficult to take constructive feedback and, therefore, are less capable of changing their approach to being supportive when it doesn't fit," she said.
Counselling psychotherapist and relationship counsellor Dr Minnu Bhonsle would agree. Such over-providers, she said, see themselves as mentors, but the need to offer support may well point to their own hidden need to feel important and wanted. Giving the instance of a couple that visited her, Bhonsle said, "The husband began to take care of his mother and sisters while still in his teens, after his father passed away. After his wedding, he expected to assume a similar role with his wife. That role made him feel validated. But she didn't want to be a 'mentee' and the two faced much conflict. The husband soon turned to a junior colleague to whom he could be a mentor, which eventually led to an unhealthy office relationship." The point Bhonsle makes is important — the help that overproviders offer bears examination. Does it help the over-provider's partner at all, or does it disempower them? Does the need to help arise from a sense of inadequacy? The way to recognise the nature of real, well-meaning help is simple, says Bhonsle. "If you help by encouraging someone to use his or her resources — that is healthy. If you allow them to borrow your resources, then that person may develop an unhealthy dependence on you. When you are helping someone, ask yourself, 'what is my pay-off?' If your need supersedes the need of the other person, bridge that gap yourself."

The right support
Don'ts
- Informational support is expressed in the form of advice-giving and is detrimental to marital satisfaction
- Try not to share how you would address the problem, unless this has been directly asked of you
- If you are looking for support, do not assume that your partner will read your mind about the kind of support you need, or don't need. Be clear.

Dos
- Emotional support is expressed by instilling a sense of confidence in your partner, providing reminders of when s/he has successfully navigated similar stressors in the past, and pointing out strengths in your partner
- If you are looking for support, ask for it in a respectful way, let your partner know when support is helpful or not helpful, and express gratitude toward your partner when s/he gets it right
- Be receptive to feedback if you are providing support