It may be difficult for parents
to differentiate a shy, reticent kid from a cold, emotionally-detached
one because the symptoms often overlap. Here's how to read the signs and
learn to separate the two... In many parenting workshops that I conduct, parents often approach me after my session that their child is of an extremely quiet, reserved and unfriendly temperament and doesn't mix easily with people. That he is quite happy to be by himself and content to be in his room. He never takes the first initiative in saying 'hello', and is not the life of a party. In fact, he's never interested in going to a party. Shy and reticent, he'd rather be alone. You may call him an introvert.
Introversion is not shyness, but is a quality of a person who is energised by being alone, and who feels drained being around other people. Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings, and often avoid social situations because it saps them. Even though they have good social skills and converse, their conversations are generally about ideas and concepts.
Since I am a clinically and professionally trained therapist, would I worry about this description? Probably not. Unless...
The behaviour pattern described by the parent is defined by experiences and behaviours different from societal norms and expectations. Where the child shows substantial disturbance in cognition, emotiveness, interpersonal functioning and has considerable personal and social disruption. That means that the child or young adult behaves aloof, cold and indifferent pervasively across situations, and the behaviour causes interpersonal difficulty. Personal relationships for such children are rarely formed, and they never express their feelings in meaningful ways. There is passivity in the face of unfavourable situations. The communication is indifferent and concise. The child does not want relationships where there is an emotional or intimate demand on him.
This description would qualify as someone who is disturbed. A personality disordered child or young adult whose behaviour pattern reveals that he neither desires nor enjoys relationships or human interaction. He almost always chooses solitary activities, lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives, appears indifferent to praise or criticism by others and shows emotional coldness and detachment.
If you see similar symptoms in your child, do not believe that it will just pass. Take immediate professional help. Adam Lanza (the shooter of the Connecticut school massacre) was an emotionally detached teen. It's difficult to say but the tragedy may have been avoided if his parents had accepted that Adam needed professional help. But most parents, unfortunately, are so disturbed themselves that they either can't see peculiar and 'abnormal' conditions in their child or are so defensive that they deny the fact that very obvious anomalies exist.
It requires tremendous courage to accept that something may be amiss with the behavioural patterns that our children display. But an ostrich-like mentality will give rise to many more Adam Lanzas. And I'm sure no one would want that.
(The writer is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist )
Helping the healthy quiet
Do not force him to be a fish out of water. Accept him for who he is.
See him as a thinker, a creator, or a persevering scholar.
Since he pays attention to internal matters, he enjoys his own company, and will therefore not run away from life's problems. Allow it.
Help him select careers consonant with his personality. Marketing, sales, PR and any people contact jobs are a big no-no.
Self-contained, his pursuits and interests ought to stimulate him. Do not stifle him with what you think is right for him.
Helping the disturbed quiet
This condition demands psychiatric intervention. Accept the truth and get professional help as soon as you can.
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